It’s OK to not be OK

It’s OK to not be OK

“There are three things that are never satisfied – no, four that never say, “Enough!”:
the grave,
the barren womb,
the thirsty desert,
the blazing fire.”
Proverbs 30:15-16

Recently I have been finding myself in a very deep sadness. For a while, a sadness I couldn’t make sense of. I love my husband. I love my home, my life, my work, my church, everything. But just an overwhelming feeling of the deepest sadness I’ve ever felt.

Then I realized…I want a baby.

When we got our ‘no,’ I was so angry with God. Not even because of the baby itself, but because so many of you believed and prayed with us, and were truly so invested in this with us, then left to wonder about God’s promises just like I was. Not until recently have I realized that that’s where my thoughts ended. That’s where I stopped my wondering and worrying and mourning.

But, I suppose, like many things, this too won’t slip by without making a scene.

It’s time to mourn the whole picture. It’s time to not push this aside like feelings from past tries. It’s time for me to not be ok, and be ok with that for a little while.

It’s hard to understand why God would put a desire in your heart and choose not to fulfill it. Hard to understand why you can’t just change your mind, and stop wanting. Hard to interpret what His promises mean when we can’t see the whole picture at once. But I’ll leave you with this: I’m not ok, but I’m trusting. I’m confused, but I’m praising.

This song says every bit of what is going on inside of me and has been my saving grace lately.

 

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2 Comments

  1. Paula
    September 15, 2015 / 2:14 am

    Hey Jen,
    I love this place that you have to express, Real life, and the fact that you are confident enough to do so. If I would have had a daughter I would want her to be as strong and amazing as you. I always stop for a moment to read your heart because you are such an inspiration, it’s so difficult to believe that God can use an extreme tragedy to reach out, but in an amazing way he does, even when we do not have the desire to be used in this capacity. I don’t have the words to give this absence the impact that it bares on our emotions , but I can say every time in the midst of all my close to nearly breaking points, Jesus has come to my rescue over and over, and Lord knows I have challenged Him, this seems to be how our relationship works, everything about me breaks on the inside and he so willingly helps me regain my focus. I am so sorry and overwhelmed that you are having embrace this time of sadness but I am amazed at your wisdom. I will pray for you and Pastor B. daily, we love the two of you, if there is anything that Steve and I can do, we are one phone call away.

    • manager
      September 21, 2015 / 3:37 am

      Wow. It means the world to truly feel partnered with. Thank you so much!

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