“There are three things that are never satisfied – no, four that never say, “Enough!”:
the barren womb,
the thirsty desert,
the blazing fire.”
Recently I have been finding myself in a very deep sadness. For a while, a sadness I couldn’t make sense of. I love my husband. I love my home, my life, my work, my church, everything. But just an overwhelming feeling of the deepest sadness I’ve ever felt.
Then I realized…I want a baby.
When we got our ‘no,’ I was so angry with God. Not even because of the baby itself, but because so many of you believed and prayed with us, and were truly so invested in this with us, then left to wonder about God’s promises just like I was. Not until recently have I realized that that’s where my thoughts ended. That’s where I stopped my wondering and worrying and mourning.
But, I suppose, like many things, this too won’t slip by without making a scene.
It’s time to mourn the whole picture. It’s time to not push this aside like feelings from past tries. It’s time for me to not be ok, and be ok with that for a little while.
It’s hard to understand why God would put a desire in your heart and choose not to fulfill it. Hard to understand why you can’t just change your mind, and stop wanting. Hard to interpret what His promises mean when we can’t see the whole picture at once. But I’ll leave you with this: I’m not ok, but I’m trusting. I’m confused, but I’m praising.
This song says every bit of what is going on inside of me and has been my saving grace lately.